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May. 19th, 2009 | 04:29 am

my dog is coming to me! 9 days and we'll be reunited. i'm so excited, its insane.

but in other news (much more pithy), i think i've found my rebound relationship. i didn't see it coming; he identifies as a gay man, and a very highly sought-after one at that. luckily sex is a big deal for him (as it turns out), which was the only reason he wasn't enjoying the life of the village bicycle, lol.

i had already accepted my sexless status at college, mostly because i was still insecure following the breakup with my ex (devastation, heartbreak, blah blah blah). i hadn't been with anybody i didn't find thru craigslist in the 2 years i'd been here and had pretty much resigned myself to having 'just friends'. i stopped thinking or assuming that people were interested in me at all, they'd basically have to beat me over the head with violent flirting to get me to believe that they were actually interested.
and thats what happened. j wasn't even on my radar. but i started realizing that he made a lot of contact with me, mostly just eye contact. and i thought it was weird, but i chalked it up to him knowing about my transsexuality and just being one of those curious folks that studies faces to try and figure out what i looked like pre-transition. eh, it happens. can be creepy but is usually just flattering. anyway, i was totally wrong. he was very much attracted to me (i still can't believe it fully, my self deprecation wont allow me to actually believe that someone can find me truly attractive). this was/is super flattering even moreso because he is a gentleman in high demand. the number of people who have gone out of their way to try and get with him is comparable to my demand in high school. and here i come, trotting in with zero effort and completely oblivious and i get the prize.
thats a damned fine ego boost.
it began very much with me assuming that i was just overthinking things and was expecting something that wasn't possible, let alone likely.

so i guess this is a much deeper look at what i've already covered, y'know? i had mind blowing sex the other night, the first time EVER that i'd cum in tandem with a partner. we were doing sort of a buttfuck scissor position and that worked perfectly. i was in pure blissful nirvana for a good 10-15 minutes following.

easily the weirdest part about all this is the emotional attachment i've formed so quickly. i'm pretty cavalier about sex. i expected that this would be one of those 'get your jollies, then hop off' sort of deals. but whats happened is much more relationship based. to be honest, im not as interested in getting my rocks off (STS) as i am in spending time with him.
the weird 'too good to be true' part is that he's already being pithy. he's already talking deeply and attachedly and likes to talk about 'the relationship' basically every time we're together. but thats what he does. i just dont want to become a sounding board for his problems or a court for him to sort out his game. i can already tell that i'm going to have to play the strong one again, which is how things with alex got so fucked up. she was all this mess and i wasn't allowed to be.
granted i've grown a lot since then. i know to check my shit at the door and just not even bring it up. but this familiar and oh-so-wonderful feeling of actually having a partner is so addictive. my jealousy is flaring up again, since he is a social butterfly and he is in high demand. its weird because i also inexplicably trust him 100% that he wont go around behind my back... but the possessive jealousy still rears its ugly head. i haven't said anything (and hopefully wont). im learning to keep my mouth shut.

it was really rewarding to be with him on the camping trip, mostly because almost everybody there either wanted to fuck him or me. little did they know we were busy pleasuring each other in a tent downstairs while everybody else was asleep that night... probably echoing the dreams of most of the people upstairs! being powerful like that again is a huge trip. it reinstills my sense of personal pride and reminds me that although i may think im not desirable sometimes i do still have an inexplicable sex appeal. i've always been blessed with it, i had just forgotten how to exercise it. and oddly it works much better on men than women... i think thats just 'cause i have to remind myself how to make the woman function work.

strange twist, too... i can totally imagine/picture myself with jenner in 2, 3, even 5 years. in my daydreams it makes perfect sense. but i have that same issue that i have with basically every partner where i get embarrassed by them, which is so retarded. i noticed that today while i was shopping with hilary; she did something silly and although i was momentarily embarrassed i found i didn't care. i guess its just spending enough time with somebody to forgive them their trespasses, y'know? i really have to get over that.

i hate having to pretend around friends. jenner came to my table today and although i wanted nothing more than to give him a hug (and i know he felt the same way too) we didn't and it felt awkward and in some twisted way also kind of like betrayal. or invalidation, maybe. but summer is coming (10 days!!), and i plan on being a full time queer. i've met more people that i love and fit well with when i'm honest about myself... it leaves me kickin my own butt that i didn't just start college out like that. *sigh*

ok, time to wrap up this novella. in summary, jenner is awesome and i can see a path of 'falling in love' (probably ending like a soap opera where either he has enough personal growth to move on or i leave him for someone else and then regret it like i have a tendency to do), and puppy is coming down in 9 days!! SQUEE!

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